Life isn't black or white. It's not all or nothing. It's not one or the other. Life is gray. It's some. It's both.
I've lived in a black and white world for most of my life, especially when it comes to food. Restriction or free-for-all. Rules or rebellion. Success or failure. ALL steeped in shame and self-loathing. I have hated my body and have tried endlessly to make it something, anything, besides what it is. I've made self-deprecating jokes to mask my pain. I've covered up, hidden, compared, criticized and belittled my body as long as I can remember.
What a way to live.
Finally, after a "failed" attempt at the Whole 30 in January (don't bother looking it up if you don't know what it is. It's basically the "you can't eat anything but it's not a diet" diet), I'd had enough. I was done. I didn't want to live my life examining every food label, scrutinizing every morsel, recording every calorie. Not only did it not give me the body I desired, it robbed every once of joy from my life.
Looking back, there have definitely been times I've been "successful" on a diet or exercise regimen. I've lost some weight, toned some muscles, fit into a smaller jeans size. And guess what? I still wasn't happy. Sure I might've enjoyed the compliments and found shopping more enjoyable, but that was fleeting. It was never enough, never sustainable. I always had more to lose. More to achieve. My body still wasn't good enough. I see pictures now from those times I'd lost some weight and think how great I look in them. But I also remember at the time feeling fat, being disgusted with myself, and focusing on my flaws ("look at your fat arms," "what an unflattering outfit," "you don't belong in your group of friends"). Weight loss has never been a solution to my problem with my body.
My mental chatter, my inner critical voice, is the problem. It has always been the problem. No amount of weight loss can change that. No number on the scale, no pants size, no image in the mirror could ever stop the incessant negative tape that plays in my head, cutting me down to nothing with just a few words.
If anyone in my life talked to me the way I talk to me, they'd be gone, bye. I simply wouldn't tolerate another person treating me that way. And yet, I allow my own thoughts to demean, humiliate, and mock me on a daily basis.
No more. It stops now. I will not tolerate this kind of negativity in my life for one more day.
I've been working with an intuitive eating counselor (Nicole at Mindful Food and Motion in St. Paul- couldn't recommend her more highly) and literally it has changed my life. I still struggle most days, but I have begun to challenge that inner voice with truth and positivity. I have rejected dieting in favor of an intuitive eating approach and mindfulness practices. And it's not perfect. Sometimes I eat three bagels in the middle of my living room alone when I'm not hungry because I'm stressed or bored or sad. But sometimes I stop halfway through a delicious cookie and save the rest for later because I'm simply satisfied and don't want any more. Each time I overeat or use food to cope with my emotions, I battle feelings of guilt and shame. But I'm finding it happens with less and less frequency and that I'm able to move forward more quickly each time. That's progress.
And right there, in the middle of the gray, I'm finding myself. I'm finding peace.
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