Trim Healthy Mama.

After Miles was born in late November of last year, losing weight was a challenge. Despite my best efforts of eating well, the pounds just weren't coming off. I did weight watchers for about five months or so and lost just shy of 20 lbs. it was enough to make me feel a lot better, but definitely didn't get me to where I'd ultimately like to be. I also knew that counting and tracking everything I ate was not something I could (or wanted to) sustain long-term. Yes, it might help me shed weight quickly, but what about when I lost all the weight? Would I have a strategy for maintenance? Or would I start a cycle: go off the rails, gain some weight back, get back on track (counting points), lose a few pounds, repeat?

So I began exploring other options. Late August this year, Joe and I did the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. It wasn't too difficult and I felt energetic and healthy (mainly getting off sugar, I think, is what helped). I didn't lose any weight on the Challenge, which frustrated me, but I was feeling good physically.

When I was pregnant with Miles, I dabbled a bit in following a plan called Trim Healthy Mama. The basic premise is that you eat a diet that is free of sugar and refined carbs and is high in protein. In addition, you separate the two primary fuel types: fat (S, for satisfying) and carbs (E, for energizing). For example, apples and peanut butter, while both permitted, should not be combined a single sitting. Instead, you might have peanut butter with celery or an apple with nonfat Greek yogurt. The Trim Healthy Mama Plan book explains it like this: "If you focus on one primary fuel at a time, rather than squishing both together at every meal, you will burn through the fuel provided. After that your body must look around for something else to burn... You've got to burn something and with this new knowledge you can guide your body to burn its own body fat."

I've been working, slowly, on adapting to eating this way. I'd say I'm following this plan around 70% of the time right now. I haven't lost weight, but I am feeling good physically and my clothes are fitting better. Joe says I'm looking smaller. It is extremely annoying that the scale is stuck, but I'm trying not to focus on that. I took some measurements a couple weeks ago and I'm interested to check again soon to see if I'm losing any inches. Working on getting myself up to following the plan about 90% of the time.

The plan.

Well, considering that my goal is to run a half marathon and I currently don't run at all, I figured it might be a good idea to consider a training plan. After doing a bit of research, most of what I've found as far as half marathon training plans go assume that you already run some. So I decided I'll take it in 3 stages: 5K, 10K and half marathon.

I'm going to work on a 5k training plan first. I found one called "10 Weeks to a 5K." I'm going to skip the first two weeks because I've already been active enough that I have at least some cardio endurance built up. On Tuesday I did a 30 minute walk/run on the treadmill, alternating two minutes of walking with one minute of jogging. I was breathing hard but I definitely could've run more and pushed myself more without feeling like I was overdoing it. Today (and one other day between Friday and Sunday) I'll alternate one minute of walking with one minute of jogging. Then next week I'll jump into Week 3 on this chart.

I registered Joe and I for the Reindeer Run on December 10th. It's a 5K run around Lake Harriet in Minneapolis. I figured that registering for an event and paying for it and putting it on my calendar would keep me accountable to actually preparing for it and doing it.

Next, I'll find a 10K race to sign up for in February or March. Then I'll find a half marathon to register for, probably in June. It feels exciting to have a game plan. Now I just need a good playlist and some discipline. I'm a little worried about how running on a treadmill will translate to running outside, but with the kiddos (ages 4, 2.5 and 11 months) I don't have too many opportunities to run outside by myself. It's easier to check them into childcare at the Y and do my thing. I guess I'll just try to jog outside when I can and hope that I can handle the full races outside when the time comes.

Overcoming the obstacle.

Running and body image issues have always gone hand-in-hand for me. Growing up I always felt inadequate when it came to all things athletic. I was slow and out of shape, which I attributed to my weight. The more I felt embarrassed of my lack of ability in gym class and sports, the more self-conscious I felt and self-loathing I became. I started "dieting" in sixth grade, and can think of very few times in my life when I haven't been dieting ever since then.

At Belong this past weekend, one of the other questions the guidebook asked was "What if I could overcome one obstacle in my life? What would it be?" Right away I knew I'd want to overcome my daily struggle with poor body image and constant, unrelenting striving to lose weight. I can look back on pictures over the last decade and remember what diet or exercise regimen I was on at the time. Pictures at restaurants remind me of the time I spent scouring the menus ahead of time online to decide what I could eat that would fit into my diet plan du jour (and the inevitable internal berating I'd endure afterwards when I often ordered what sounded best instead of what I was "allowed" to eat). It's honestly sad. I am regretful that so much of my mental space for my whole adolescent and adult life has been consumed with food lists and calorie counting. I've wasted so much energy agonizing over the number on the scale and the size of my jeans.

Why can't I get past this obstacle? This one thing has been holding me back from fully enjoying so much of my life- vacations, family gatherings, holidays, date nights. Maybe the two questions I answered at Belong are the key to my breakthrough. Could doing something on my wish list that I never thought I could do (running a half marathon) help me begin to truly overcome a life-long obstacle (poor body image)?

I don't want to say God told me to do this. Because I'm skeptical of stuff like that. I don't want to put God's name on my thoughts and attribute them to Him. How can I know if that's really what He has for me? At the same time, I don't want to say His hand isn't in this. It's not that running a half marathon is my calling. But it doesn't mean that it's not something I'm called to do. In fact, it could be a necessary step in God teaching me that with Him I can do hard things. It could be a lesson in endurance and discipline that I'll need to have learned for some other reason I don't yet know.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). If that's really true, and I really believe that, then we've got this.

Piece of cake.

See, I'm in the running mindset already. #carboloading

Finding my lane.

This past weekend, several girlfriends and I attended the Belong conference in St. Paul. The speakers included several powerhouse Christian speakers, including Jen Hatmaker and Shauna Niequist. Good, right? The purpose of the conference was to discuss my purpose. Your purpose. Our purpose. Find your lane and live it well.

Well, honestly, the conference left me feeling a little... aimless. Like, here I am, thirty years old, a wife and mother of 3, and my day-to-day challenges include finding a diaper in my giant mess of a purse, ensuring that my kids eat more than maple syrup and popcorn each day, protecting the sanctity that is nap time, and generally keeping four other humans alive (yes, that includes my husband, and yes, I feel strongly that he both needs and appreciates my help).

It's weird. I'm not unhappy. And I don't want to be anywhere else. It just seems like I need another outlet. I want to do something. Something for me. Something that fills my cup rather than drains it. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom, I love being home with my kids and I love being the ruler of the roost in the managerial sense. I'm the bill-payer, the meal-maker, the laundry-doer, the activity-planner, and I'm in charge of decor and wardrobe, supplies and schedules. I love organizing our lives and being sure our family runs smoothly.

And right now, my purpose is being a mom and a wife. I know that being a mom won't always be my daily "job," and I'm truly a bit unclear about what things will look like for me when my kids are off to school and don't need me here during the day. In some ways it's unsettling not to know. I love to know what's ahead and I'm comforted by predictability. But I was reminded this weekend that I'm not in charge of outcomes. I'm in charge of obedience. I need focus on taking the next right step.

So what is the next right step? Well, one of the questions in the Belong guidebook that we were asked to fill out was "What if I could do one thing on my wish list? What would it be?" And I didn't have to think hard because one thought came to my mind immediately. And it was stupid. A stupid thought. "Run a half marathon. I want to run a half marathon."

W.T.F?

I hate running. I've always hated running. It's the worst. I'm the worst at it. I legitimately used to fake sick every time we had to run the mile in gym class at school. I actually was sick in some cases because I had so much anxiety. And I swore when I was older and done with gym class forever, I would never run again. Ever.

And, with the exception of a short-lived summer after I had Hunter, I've kept that promise to myself. "I'm just not a runner," I insisted. "Runners are annoying," I complained. "They're fit and disciplined and thin and basically everything that I'm not," I chided.

I thought that telling myself those things was being honest. Brutally honest. Just accepting that it's not who I am. "I barely even run errands," I joked to my friends.

But as I sat there this weekend being encouraged that "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you," I realized that I joke because I feel incapable. I feel inadequate. And it's really something I'd love to do. Run a half marathon. Because it scares me. Because it's something I've always said I couldn't do. I think it's important that I find a way to prove myself wrong and silence those voices in my head that have always shouted "You're too out of shape, overweight and undisciplined!"

So, I'm going to. I'm going to run a half marathon. Like, for real. I'm going to run more than errands. And I'm going to do it for me, because I've always said I couldn't. So, here goes nothing...