This week I did week 3 of C25K, which had me warm up for 5 minutes, jog 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds, jog 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes and repeat. I added on extra repetitions to get me to 40-45 minutes instead of the 28 the workout is set for. I did this mostly just because the loop I do near my house takes about that long.
Listening to music while running has been key for me, and I've intentionally chosen songs that encourage and inspire me. I felt so connected to God when I was running and listening to "The Unmaking" by Nichole Nordeman this morning. The lyrics hit me right where I'm at and put into words the journey I'm on with God.
This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris, and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stay
Every stone I laid for You
As if You had asked me to
A monument to Holy things
Empty talk and circling
Isn't that what we're supposed to do
What happens now
When all I've made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You is all that's left
This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
The longer and the tighter that we hold
Only makes it harder to let go
But love will not stay locked inside
A steeple or a tower high
Only when we're broken are we whole
What happens now
When all I've made is torn down
This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking
I'll gather the same stones where
Everything came crashing down
I'll build You an altar there
On the same ground
'Cause what stood before
Was never Yours
This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking
Oh, this is the unmaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Chills, seriously. It just so perfectly describes how I've been feeling. "Every stone I laid for You... As if You had asked me to... A monument to Holy things... Empty talk and circling... Isn't that what we're supposed to do?" The empty talk and circling is exactly what I have been doing for years as far as my body image issues go. I've just been in a constant cycle: diet, hope, failure, discouragement, repeat. I'm done. This is the unmaking where I lose myself and find out who God is. And I never would've expected He would move in an activity that I never before liked. I've truly been loving connecting with God in this new way and feel like I'm following the path He's laid before me; the path that leads to freedom from the stronghold that has held me back for far too long.
This past week our BSF lesson was on John chapter 5. In the first part of this chapter is the story I've heard many times before about the paralyzed man being healed at Bethesda. But studying it this time gave it new meaning.
"[The paralyzed man] who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, 'Do you want to get well?' 'Sir,' the invalid replied, 'I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.' Then Jesus said to him, 'Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.' At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked."
-John 5:5-9
I am the paralyzed man. I've been lying in front of a pool that promised healing to the first person who could get in the water when it was stirred. Do I want to get well? Of course I want to be rid of this negative self-image that's plagued me for as long as I can remember. But do I really? I had every excuse of why I couldn't get into the pool. Do I want healing badly enough to do the work that it may require? The prayer and mat-carrying and walking? I think I do now, by God's grace. He is healing me, one step at a time. And I truly believe that by getting up and picking up my mat, I will walk. And I won't look back.
