Gray might just be my favorite color.

Life isn't black or white. It's not all or nothing. It's not one or the other. Life is gray. It's some. It's both.

I've lived in a black and white world for most of my life, especially when it comes to food. Restriction or free-for-all. Rules or rebellion. Success or failure. ALL steeped in shame and self-loathing. I have hated my body and have tried endlessly to make it something, anything, besides what it is. I've made self-deprecating jokes to mask my pain. I've covered up, hidden, compared, criticized and belittled my body as long as I can remember.

What a way to live.

Finally, after a "failed" attempt at the Whole 30 in January (don't bother looking it up if you don't know what it is. It's basically the "you can't eat anything but it's not a diet" diet), I'd had enough. I was done. I didn't want to live my life examining every food label, scrutinizing every morsel, recording every calorie. Not only did it not give me the body I desired, it robbed every once of joy from my life.

Looking back, there have definitely been times I've been "successful" on a diet or exercise regimen. I've lost some weight, toned some muscles, fit into a smaller jeans size. And guess what? I still wasn't happy. Sure I might've enjoyed the compliments and found shopping more enjoyable, but that was fleeting. It was never enough, never sustainable. I always had more to lose. More to achieve. My body still wasn't good enough. I see pictures now from those times I'd lost some weight and think how great I look in them. But I also remember at the time feeling fat, being disgusted with myself, and focusing on my flaws ("look at your fat arms," "what an unflattering outfit," "you don't belong in your group of friends"). Weight loss has never been a solution to my problem with my body.

My mental chatter, my inner critical voice, is the problem. It has always been the problem. No amount of weight loss can change that. No number on the scale, no pants size, no image in the mirror could ever stop the incessant negative tape that plays in my head, cutting me down to nothing with just a few words.

If anyone in my life talked to me the way I talk to me, they'd be gone, bye. I simply wouldn't tolerate another person treating me that way. And yet, I allow my own thoughts to demean, humiliate, and mock me on a daily basis.

No more. It stops now. I will not tolerate this kind of negativity in my life for one more day.

I've been working with an intuitive eating counselor (Nicole at Mindful Food and Motion in St. Paul- couldn't recommend her more highly) and literally it has changed my life. I still struggle most days, but I have begun to challenge that inner voice with truth and positivity. I have rejected dieting in favor of an intuitive eating approach and mindfulness practices. And it's not perfect. Sometimes I eat three bagels in the middle of my living room alone when I'm not hungry because I'm stressed or bored or sad. But sometimes I stop halfway through a delicious cookie and save the rest for later because I'm simply satisfied and don't want any more. Each time I overeat or use food to cope with my emotions, I battle feelings of guilt and shame. But I'm finding it happens with less and less frequency and that I'm able to move forward more quickly each time. That's progress.

And right there, in the middle of the gray, I'm finding myself. I'm finding peace.

"Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."

I've been doing a walk/jog just about every other day or so for a couple of weeks now, and I have to say that I'm already noticing a difference in my endurance. It's encouraging to see that relatively quickly my body is able to adapt and improve. I had originally planned to use one plan to train, but decided to go with the Couch to 5K app (C25K) instead. The benefit of using the app is that it can be used in conjunction with your music and just jumps in and says "Start running" and "Start walking" at the desired intervals. That way I can just listen to my music and not have to think about the timing of when I need to run or walk.

This week I did week 3 of C25K, which had me warm up for 5 minutes, jog 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds, jog 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes and repeat. I added on extra repetitions to get me to 40-45 minutes instead of the 28 the workout is set for. I did this mostly just because the loop I do near my house takes about that long.

Listening to music while running has been key for me, and I've intentionally chosen songs that encourage and inspire me. I felt so connected to God when I was running and listening to "The Unmaking" by Nichole Nordeman this morning. The lyrics hit me right where I'm at and put into words the journey I'm on with God.

This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris, and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stay 

Every stone I laid for You
As if You had asked me to
A monument to Holy things
Empty talk and circling
Isn't that what we're supposed to do 

What happens now
When all I've made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You is all that's left 

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking 

The longer and the tighter that we hold
Only makes it harder to let go
But love will not stay locked inside
A steeple or a tower high
Only when we're broken are we whole 

What happens now
When all I've made is torn down 

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking 

I'll gather the same stones where
Everything came crashing down
I'll build You an altar there
On the same ground 

'Cause what stood before
Was never Yours 

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking
Oh, this is the unmaking 

Had to lose myself
To find out who You are

Chills, seriously. It just so perfectly describes how I've been feeling. "Every stone I laid for You... As if You had asked me to... A monument to Holy things... Empty talk and circling... Isn't that what we're supposed to do?" The empty talk and circling is exactly what I have been doing for years as far as my body image issues go. I've just been in a constant cycle: diet, hope, failure, discouragement, repeat. I'm done. This is the unmaking where I lose myself and find out who God is. And I never would've expected He would move in an activity that I never before liked. I've truly been loving connecting with God in this new way and feel like I'm following the path He's laid before me; the path that leads to freedom from the stronghold that has held me back for far too long.

This past week our BSF lesson was on John chapter 5. In the first part of this chapter is the story I've heard many times before about the paralyzed man being healed at Bethesda. But studying it this time gave it new meaning.

"[The paralyzed man] who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, 'Do you want to get well?' 'Sir,' the invalid replied, 'I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.' Then Jesus said to him, 'Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.' At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked."

-John 5:5-9

I am the paralyzed man. I've been lying in front of a pool that promised healing to the first person who could get in the water when it was stirred. Do I want to get well? Of course I want to be rid of this negative self-image that's plagued me for as long as I can remember. But do I really? I had every excuse of why I couldn't get into the pool. Do I want healing badly enough to do the work that it may require? The prayer and mat-carrying and walking? I think I do now, by God's grace. He is healing me, one step at a time. And I truly believe that by getting up and picking up my mat, I will walk. And I won't look back.

Trim Healthy Mama.

After Miles was born in late November of last year, losing weight was a challenge. Despite my best efforts of eating well, the pounds just weren't coming off. I did weight watchers for about five months or so and lost just shy of 20 lbs. it was enough to make me feel a lot better, but definitely didn't get me to where I'd ultimately like to be. I also knew that counting and tracking everything I ate was not something I could (or wanted to) sustain long-term. Yes, it might help me shed weight quickly, but what about when I lost all the weight? Would I have a strategy for maintenance? Or would I start a cycle: go off the rails, gain some weight back, get back on track (counting points), lose a few pounds, repeat?

So I began exploring other options. Late August this year, Joe and I did the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. It wasn't too difficult and I felt energetic and healthy (mainly getting off sugar, I think, is what helped). I didn't lose any weight on the Challenge, which frustrated me, but I was feeling good physically.

When I was pregnant with Miles, I dabbled a bit in following a plan called Trim Healthy Mama. The basic premise is that you eat a diet that is free of sugar and refined carbs and is high in protein. In addition, you separate the two primary fuel types: fat (S, for satisfying) and carbs (E, for energizing). For example, apples and peanut butter, while both permitted, should not be combined a single sitting. Instead, you might have peanut butter with celery or an apple with nonfat Greek yogurt. The Trim Healthy Mama Plan book explains it like this: "If you focus on one primary fuel at a time, rather than squishing both together at every meal, you will burn through the fuel provided. After that your body must look around for something else to burn... You've got to burn something and with this new knowledge you can guide your body to burn its own body fat."

I've been working, slowly, on adapting to eating this way. I'd say I'm following this plan around 70% of the time right now. I haven't lost weight, but I am feeling good physically and my clothes are fitting better. Joe says I'm looking smaller. It is extremely annoying that the scale is stuck, but I'm trying not to focus on that. I took some measurements a couple weeks ago and I'm interested to check again soon to see if I'm losing any inches. Working on getting myself up to following the plan about 90% of the time.

The plan.

Well, considering that my goal is to run a half marathon and I currently don't run at all, I figured it might be a good idea to consider a training plan. After doing a bit of research, most of what I've found as far as half marathon training plans go assume that you already run some. So I decided I'll take it in 3 stages: 5K, 10K and half marathon.

I'm going to work on a 5k training plan first. I found one called "10 Weeks to a 5K." I'm going to skip the first two weeks because I've already been active enough that I have at least some cardio endurance built up. On Tuesday I did a 30 minute walk/run on the treadmill, alternating two minutes of walking with one minute of jogging. I was breathing hard but I definitely could've run more and pushed myself more without feeling like I was overdoing it. Today (and one other day between Friday and Sunday) I'll alternate one minute of walking with one minute of jogging. Then next week I'll jump into Week 3 on this chart.

I registered Joe and I for the Reindeer Run on December 10th. It's a 5K run around Lake Harriet in Minneapolis. I figured that registering for an event and paying for it and putting it on my calendar would keep me accountable to actually preparing for it and doing it.

Next, I'll find a 10K race to sign up for in February or March. Then I'll find a half marathon to register for, probably in June. It feels exciting to have a game plan. Now I just need a good playlist and some discipline. I'm a little worried about how running on a treadmill will translate to running outside, but with the kiddos (ages 4, 2.5 and 11 months) I don't have too many opportunities to run outside by myself. It's easier to check them into childcare at the Y and do my thing. I guess I'll just try to jog outside when I can and hope that I can handle the full races outside when the time comes.

Overcoming the obstacle.

Running and body image issues have always gone hand-in-hand for me. Growing up I always felt inadequate when it came to all things athletic. I was slow and out of shape, which I attributed to my weight. The more I felt embarrassed of my lack of ability in gym class and sports, the more self-conscious I felt and self-loathing I became. I started "dieting" in sixth grade, and can think of very few times in my life when I haven't been dieting ever since then.

At Belong this past weekend, one of the other questions the guidebook asked was "What if I could overcome one obstacle in my life? What would it be?" Right away I knew I'd want to overcome my daily struggle with poor body image and constant, unrelenting striving to lose weight. I can look back on pictures over the last decade and remember what diet or exercise regimen I was on at the time. Pictures at restaurants remind me of the time I spent scouring the menus ahead of time online to decide what I could eat that would fit into my diet plan du jour (and the inevitable internal berating I'd endure afterwards when I often ordered what sounded best instead of what I was "allowed" to eat). It's honestly sad. I am regretful that so much of my mental space for my whole adolescent and adult life has been consumed with food lists and calorie counting. I've wasted so much energy agonizing over the number on the scale and the size of my jeans.

Why can't I get past this obstacle? This one thing has been holding me back from fully enjoying so much of my life- vacations, family gatherings, holidays, date nights. Maybe the two questions I answered at Belong are the key to my breakthrough. Could doing something on my wish list that I never thought I could do (running a half marathon) help me begin to truly overcome a life-long obstacle (poor body image)?

I don't want to say God told me to do this. Because I'm skeptical of stuff like that. I don't want to put God's name on my thoughts and attribute them to Him. How can I know if that's really what He has for me? At the same time, I don't want to say His hand isn't in this. It's not that running a half marathon is my calling. But it doesn't mean that it's not something I'm called to do. In fact, it could be a necessary step in God teaching me that with Him I can do hard things. It could be a lesson in endurance and discipline that I'll need to have learned for some other reason I don't yet know.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). If that's really true, and I really believe that, then we've got this.

Piece of cake.

See, I'm in the running mindset already. #carboloading

Finding my lane.

This past weekend, several girlfriends and I attended the Belong conference in St. Paul. The speakers included several powerhouse Christian speakers, including Jen Hatmaker and Shauna Niequist. Good, right? The purpose of the conference was to discuss my purpose. Your purpose. Our purpose. Find your lane and live it well.

Well, honestly, the conference left me feeling a little... aimless. Like, here I am, thirty years old, a wife and mother of 3, and my day-to-day challenges include finding a diaper in my giant mess of a purse, ensuring that my kids eat more than maple syrup and popcorn each day, protecting the sanctity that is nap time, and generally keeping four other humans alive (yes, that includes my husband, and yes, I feel strongly that he both needs and appreciates my help).

It's weird. I'm not unhappy. And I don't want to be anywhere else. It just seems like I need another outlet. I want to do something. Something for me. Something that fills my cup rather than drains it. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom, I love being home with my kids and I love being the ruler of the roost in the managerial sense. I'm the bill-payer, the meal-maker, the laundry-doer, the activity-planner, and I'm in charge of decor and wardrobe, supplies and schedules. I love organizing our lives and being sure our family runs smoothly.

And right now, my purpose is being a mom and a wife. I know that being a mom won't always be my daily "job," and I'm truly a bit unclear about what things will look like for me when my kids are off to school and don't need me here during the day. In some ways it's unsettling not to know. I love to know what's ahead and I'm comforted by predictability. But I was reminded this weekend that I'm not in charge of outcomes. I'm in charge of obedience. I need focus on taking the next right step.

So what is the next right step? Well, one of the questions in the Belong guidebook that we were asked to fill out was "What if I could do one thing on my wish list? What would it be?" And I didn't have to think hard because one thought came to my mind immediately. And it was stupid. A stupid thought. "Run a half marathon. I want to run a half marathon."

W.T.F?

I hate running. I've always hated running. It's the worst. I'm the worst at it. I legitimately used to fake sick every time we had to run the mile in gym class at school. I actually was sick in some cases because I had so much anxiety. And I swore when I was older and done with gym class forever, I would never run again. Ever.

And, with the exception of a short-lived summer after I had Hunter, I've kept that promise to myself. "I'm just not a runner," I insisted. "Runners are annoying," I complained. "They're fit and disciplined and thin and basically everything that I'm not," I chided.

I thought that telling myself those things was being honest. Brutally honest. Just accepting that it's not who I am. "I barely even run errands," I joked to my friends.

But as I sat there this weekend being encouraged that "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you," I realized that I joke because I feel incapable. I feel inadequate. And it's really something I'd love to do. Run a half marathon. Because it scares me. Because it's something I've always said I couldn't do. I think it's important that I find a way to prove myself wrong and silence those voices in my head that have always shouted "You're too out of shape, overweight and undisciplined!"

So, I'm going to. I'm going to run a half marathon. Like, for real. I'm going to run more than errands. And I'm going to do it for me, because I've always said I couldn't. So, here goes nothing...